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Sunday, November 23rd, 2003
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11:29 am - ugh
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my parents are driving me fucking crazy!!!!! but id ont feel like broadcasting it on the fucking internet so im going to go- billys coming in 3 days!!!!!
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
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8:29 pm - gayness
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As I have told billy..Life is a fucking gamble and I hate it..I can't take this. Ugh there's so much going on through my brain, I can't handle all of the possible outcomes. UGH. I wasn't meant to have to deal with all of "these" types of issues..I was supposed to be set, be ready.. HAHAHAHAH NOT... fuck man, i hate this. Thanksgiving is coming and It will be fun, so I guess you could say that, i'm trying to cry all my tears before billy and my cousins come because neither of the two like to see me cry and or be sad. It will be fine, I have no doubts of that. Why cant I get him out of my head though, i mean its really starting to bother me. I feel as if I could kill someone. UGH BLEH...
current mood:  numb
current music: Echo by Trapt
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, November 17th, 2003
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3:48 pm - BOOOOOb
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so yeah im sitting at home being hella bored because im a loser and have nothing to do...I need to raise my algebra grade....BAD....oOOo billy's comming in 8 days..WAHOOO. Listening to this super kool new cd that my brother made me last night..speaking of my brother, hes gotten a lot cooler about things. he likes my lip ring but i had to take it out so that it could close...anyways, oOoO i love that song by foo fighters:darling nicki: wahoo--- whooooooaaaaaaaa niiiiiiccccckkkkkkkiiii.....she had so many devices, everything that money could buy, caslte started spinning or maybe it was my brain...THANK U FOR A FUNKY TIME, CALL ME UP WHENEVER U WANNA GRIND. okay n e ways... yeah i dont know what else to write so im going to go now...buh bye
ps.. u can see me on ftj my name is : distanttears
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, November 16th, 2003
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11:32 am - oOoOoOoOoO
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Yet another day still passing me by. I'm grounded today because I didn't ask if Brandon could come over last night when he showed up at my door. =/. Oh well it was kool. So now my parents went to the movies and when they get back I'm going to get a workout-outfit and a new jacket beecuase my mom says mine is too poor looking...I dunno, im still going to wear it becuase I LUv IT...and it reminds me of memories and good times.=/. I've been kind of down lately...Winters here and theres so many things running through my mind,memories,him,them...most of all me, and how I once was... I cant help but to feel completely dead. >>bleh<< . I hate this part, the one where you pour your heart out to whoever and all they can say is that their sorry. I mean what good is "Im sorry" going to bring, oh well its useless..And so the state of depression now enters the fortress...I am,once again....Gone..
current mood: sad
current music: Modest Mouse- a different city
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 15th, 2003
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2:53 pm - The constant changes
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Well another day has arrived. I think I hurt myslef. My back is killing me. So now im listening to edit the sad parts by Modest Mouse...never a good idea. Im soo stupid. iM ON WEB CAM W/ BILLY..IM SUCH A LOSER BUT OH WELL...LOL.wow i need a boyfriend man. Im seriously gonna get one soon becuase its getting kinda cold...ahahaha OoO okay well im gonna go sleep...later
current mood:  disappointed
current music: Modest Mouse: Edit The Sad Parts
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, November 8th, 2003
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10:12 pm - A Rainy Night
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Well its yet another days eve, today it rained..I love it, it smells so clean here.I also pierced my lip (YAYA) finally. My mom doesn't know about it, so I'll just were the ring when im at skool and when shes not around. Im excited though. It looks pretty cute, soon I'll get pix. Ummm.... Thanksgiving is almost here "double" YAYAYAYAY...billy is coming (WAHOOOO) oh yeah!17 more days baby. Uhm let me see what else is new. I bought Finding Nemo. =) its such a cute movie :its like koo koo kachew and they find there way back to the big o'l blue: hehehe... umm, im in health now instead of drivers ed, so I'll get the driving going soon. In about a month and a half Im gonna be 16..WAHOO, not a big deal except I get to be a legal driver and i get a car (hopefully). My mom and dad are being gay as usual. Today we went to the mall "me and meeha" and we saw Brock...he's soo cute I don't know what to think of him becuase I kind of like him. But he was being sweet and asking like if I was okay and if I needed help or anything. Marie is 16. Me and meeha are prolly going to sneak out in a couple of hours. We'll probably just go to brandons because of the rainy'ness...too slippery to drive. so now im feeling like a total loser listeing to aar.lol.oh god.at least its better than simple plan or good charlotte. ugh i hate simple plan and good charlotte. Okay well my lip kind of hurts so im gonna go and nap before I leave.
current mood:  mellow
current music: aar- swing swing
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 26th, 2003
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5:27 pm - Further seems forever
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>>I heard about your trip..I heard about your souvenirs.. i heard about the cool breeze and the cool nights and the cool guys..that you spent them with..I guess I should have heard of them from you..i guess i should have heard of them from you, but dont u see dont u see, that the charade is over, and all the best deceptions and the clever cover stories award will go to you<< Gotta love Dashboard..**sighs** so its sunday night..Ii'm hella sick so im just chillin at home. My throat is killing me.ugh. And ihavent gotten out of my pajamas all day =/ . Anyways, im just talking to amanda being bored. I got school tomorrow and im gonna try and make it a really good day ((hehehe)) Ive got ideas..okay well im out. bye
current mood:  sick
current music: Dashboard
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Monday, October 20th, 2003
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11:25 pm - Ucky
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...Still he's gone. I can hardly believe it, but i do. He is gone as are they. I talked with him though. He seems good..happy. So now i question..Did I make him that unhappy? He seems sooo much happier now..and I don't understand it..Ive given up tryin but still i will question. I'm doing okay i suppose..As okay as "okay" can be. Guys are just that..guys..I seek no new loves. If I am meant to be with a certain someone than I will, and nothing will stop that. i miss my homies [ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<amanda,>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] ...Still he's gone. I can hardly believe it, but i do. He is gone as are they. I talked with him though. He seems good..happy. So now i question..Did I make him that unhappy? He seems sooo much happier now..and I don't understand it..Ive given up tryin but still i will question. I'm doing okay i suppose..As okay as "okay" can be. Guys are just that..guys..I seek no new loves. If I am meant to be with a certain someone than I will, and nothing will stop that. i miss my homies <amanda, billy, jazmine, jake>etc...**sighs** so much drama now a day I mean, "He loves her, but she loves that other guy, and or she loves him, but he loves that some other hoe"..bleh this world is so ugh..ucky... |
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| Friday, October 17th, 2003
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10:08 pm - ~-_-~
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im not doing to good. Everything is becoming clear..I have almost nothing left..My very fears have come true...They are no longer, as he is no more..as they still are, as i cannot be. There is nothing left for me...I was close..I will say that, but it wasnt strong enough... ~I wasn't strong enough~ so here It shall remain...it will always stay, even in spirit.
current mood: numb
current music: cold (ugly)
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9:40 pm - the nights fallen
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So the story is played out like this...Never would this have happened, yet it has. I speak of things untrue to others about what we share...or "shared". It wasnt enough, as it was with him. Distance truly is my enemy..although I wonder, would this have happened if I were there. Was it not you who said that love is the only beholder of life?..Yet you so hipocritically call me a hipocrite, when my love became my life...That didnt work now did it..becuase I "forgot" where your place was supposed to be..what you never realized was where your place always has been...Whether you think it was high or low..you never truly knew. It was never as low as you assumed it was, but thats never the case.Then it would have been your own fault, your own loss...I'd rather bleed for you, cry your tears...twist the story
current mood: sad
current music: bright eyes (if winter ends)
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 4th, 2003
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9:43 am - ~News~
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Okay so heres whats been going on with me. School is geting better (faster). I miss all my friends //of course\\. Mike and I are no longer, I wish I could say why. I'm going to homecoming with this kid james...actually its just as a big group but he's my date....(no attraction there). But it should be fun. Today sometime Im going to get a dress, then next saturday im getting my nailz done and my HAIR DID...lol. Im going to go for the whole 60's black and pink or black and white style. I hung out with some people last night...got it on film. I guess you could say there are a few guys who I find attractive, but I'm not going to date anyone right now. I dont think I want another boyfriend for a long time. My plans for next summer are coming together, so I'm out in about 10 months (july). I miss my tortilla and my billy,jake, my sister and of course my chola...oh and mi primo ...lol. My parents are turning mean again..My mom went bi-polar again last night...and said that im not going to manipulate her like I did in vegas (=/) shes such a crackhead..so i just sat there like...o k...anyways. okay well i dont know what else to say- my song is almost done
current mood:  blah
current music: separated by avant...OH SHIT
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, September 15th, 2003
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3:28 am - Yet another day and still I await your kiss
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so im at home from yet another horrible day at school. It seems to be going by faster now. in a week i would have already been there a month. Crazy but yeah. I don't like it here, it hasnt been good for me or my relationship with mike. We used to never argue but now we do, only about the stupid shit. I miss him so. I miss my tortilla and my sister, and my billy and my chola and yeah. im going back on saturday so YAYA. im still sad though. after this next visit i wont be seeing anyone for all of october. =/ . I tend to have these flashbacks quite often: like im standing in the mirror, doing my hair and i close my eyes, then its like a movie- im in my old room, doing my hair, looking at the clock...rushing downstairs to the kitchen, grabbing my things and rishing off to the bus. I dont know what I did to deserve this. But whatever it was it must have been worth all the pain i am feeling. Ive been working on somthing for my love- i hope he likes it, becuase it would mean the world to me if he did. Ok well i must depart. Soon to fail. -_- .
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 21st, 2003
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12:43 pm - Ahhhh No
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Ok so I'm living in Sac once again. I hate it I must admit. Everyone is the same as they were when I left. I miss My love with everything I possess and all we've been doing is arguing..UGH... We moved into this small house, still with no phone line and i cant even turn my radio up without being bitched at. Mom hasnt changed as I new she wouldn't. I did once wonder if anything with her would get better or worse because now she's with my dad...Well everything is the same. They fight and argue and she is still horrible a times. What do we expect..Nothing Nor anyone is perfect or has the perfect family. I miss my friends..and Have been struggling to deal with it. It's so hard now, to even speak to them..Words burning a symbol in my mind. I shouldn't have left , I know it wasn't right. I just hope that mike and I don't crumble as Everything else. I can be strong I know it, but now its time to simply pick up the pieces, realize That what I had in Vegas was great and it will always be with me, but now I have to focus on my life here in Sac..and just Go with the flow.
P.s.
I got all good classes first term:
Foods
Algebra
Drivers Ed/Health
Art
so then I get a car..WAHOO
current mood:  drained
current music: Non..Library Dicks
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, July 18th, 2003
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9:33 am
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Well today should be interesting...Good- more like bad...Only I know- this is killing me with fear.
current mood:  scared
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, July 15th, 2003
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9:47 am
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I have till the 9th of August to say my goodbyes... I hate this.. Its driving me crazy.. Im sitting here getting mad at my tortilla for stupid things that aren't even close to being a problem. Im sorry Tortilla..... On saturday Melissa is coming and then im going back with her on the 26th..so Basically I only have this week and the week I get back to say my goodbyes..Even Worse. Today was a GOOD day. =) .. but I cannot say why.. only I shall know..Mwahahahahaha! I can't stand the fact of Not being with mike.. But I have a feeling that when I move everything will work out..For us, and for me, marie and shanita. We do need to get our priorities straight.. Now its just a matter of time before we can apply it instead of just speack it. Last night was a really bad night for me. I broke down.. and Couldnt stop crying over everything and anything. The days seem shorter..Maybe because thats how it happens. These people are coming to inspect our house on saturday.. so that should be interesting. I feel like if I don't stop crying, soon I will lose my will to stop... Because It seems to lost to stop. I don't know... Hmmm... Godbye for now.
current mood:  gloomy
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| Monday, July 14th, 2003
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9:29 am
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God tonight is horrible. I got in trouble for some pictures that I took so I cant talk for the rest of the night..and i may get my internet taken away.. so if i dont have any recent things... dont be surprised... I LOVE U MIKE.
current mood:  angry
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Saturday, July 12th, 2003
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10:27 am
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I really can't say whats going on through my mind right now. I'm so confused and all of this is so draining and confusing. Its killing me and Im becoming less and less...i can't speak without acting like woe is me- so here I shall stay mute.
8:25 p.m. Today was a pretty good day-, which was REALLY nice. Last night my tortilla spent the night and all we did was cry and talk about the lb posse and our shanita.... God it never ends. Then today Mike and me went to see Pirates of the Caribean..It was a pretty good movie. My mom is starting to be a bitch, once again.. Im not surprised. Last night Marie and me were looking at the moon and we had the window open.. and my mom barges in- "are u smoking.. Where are the cigarettes?" God shes so fucking stupid. I told her- Grow up and get over your childish assumptions. God its useless trying with that woman. We got an offer on our house... =( I HATE THIS. its soo sad above anything. Everything has been going by so fast. We are most likely moving in 30 days, which is about August 11.... GOD.. Mike- I hope your here when I move. Its going to be so much harder if I don't get to see him. Just thinking about it- breaks my heart and crumbles it into a millions pieces...I really "NEED" him, If ever- I need him when I move....Today we were watching Armageddon. and I started crying- but it wasnt because of the movie- as I told mike. More because our not being together is becoming my scary reality. Every day it becomes clearer and clearer how long it will really be before we get to spend out lives together. Three years will be long enough-And if anyone can hang in there, I know we can. We always seem to get through whatever. Well I cant think of anything to write except that I put reddish purple highlights in my hair.. yeah but thats not important.. Later days
current mood:  anxious
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| Wednesday, July 9th, 2003
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9:01 am
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So today was an ok day...wasn't as good as it could have been but it was when Mike came over. I never stop loving him... I mean sure once in awhile I get upset but NEVER do I get to the point of actually being mad.. Babe- I love you...He won't screw us up- I won't let that happen...The only way he could come close is if he cheats on me....I pray ever night that nothing happens..I trust him completely but I know how convincing girls are- their soo stupid here in vegas..Jesus.I know he worries about me- for whatever reason..I don't blame him, he doesn't want anyone else to have me..and lucky for him I don't want anyone else to have me- And I won't let that happen... I too am a very jealous person and if anything bugs me- Its girls or anything about girls....Yeah maybe im a little insecure but hey- Who fucking isnt? I actually have what I want and I won't let some two faced bitch take it away from me..Damn I hate Vegas Girls- I worry....Especially Vegas girls that hate me-- that could be bad. I keep having the same dream... I get a call from marie saying.."Well I gotta tell u something, but you arent going to like it".. Just the fact of knowing that another girl likes Mike and I'm not there... Fucking drives me crazy. Stupid stuff like that- keep me from sleeping, thinking, everything..I can't do anything- All I think about it is him.. Maybe you would call that obsessive- well I dont care...I'm hella obsessed with my man..Not in a bad way..All I can say is that I'm very jealous and I can get upset in a matter of seconds...Not good- but oh well.. So otherwise I guess I'm just taking life one step at a time...Pretty bogus that I'm still here...so I'm still trying to get over that.I can't say Im completey happy about it.. But what do u expect me to do?.=/. I hate this...I do try ..I hang on everyday...But for what- Nothing ever changes..If it werent for him- I wouldnt care...one bit. I wish I was brave enough to just leave...Just fucking pick up and leave..Why can't I FUCKING leave...FUCK~
current mood:  curious
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| Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
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11:42 am
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Day after day I take it. The constant demands that can never be met. I've actually given in- and I get the axact same response. Never good enough. Never will be. She'll never change- not now, it's gotten to bad- shes too far gone.She tells me she loves me(ACTUALLY just last night) and if it came to it, I'm sure she does, but damn it aint cool how she treats me. And so it continues.. My world hjas been torn beyond the woe is me's.~So here I await my way out~ Never to come =/ AS always.
current mood:  aggravated
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9:19 am
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Well some cheesey real-estate agent is comming out. I hate this whole thing. I could hella put a curse on this house to make it not sell, but if I'm not meant to be here than what could that do to me and Mike. I'm terrified to think that anything could happen between us.Well I'm so bored.....God im like UGH.
current mood:  annoyed
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